Friday, November 23, 2012

The Eviction Drama


Moving in my past has always been something that I had to reckon with. As a young child, we moved so much I think I developed an aversion to moving.

This prospect of having to move again, initially hit me with an overwhelming sense of dread. I could hear myself saying over and over again, "I hate Moving.!" Yet, I am aware at this point in my life that I am faced with this because I do "hate" it so much that the energy I put into hating it has come to haunt me. It is true that the thing you hate does haunt you. It lurks in the background of your mind and at your weakest point it reels its ugly head.

Knowing this about myself, I began to think very deeply about what it was about moving that caused me such consternation and dread. The idea was deep in my psyche that there must be something extremely traumatizing about moving that I need to uncover in order to deal with this next move. I began to go back into my history and check into those dimensional realities where moving was a part of the program for my existence at that time.
Not agian
As a young child I had little to no control of the circumstances, or even outcomes of what the "move" would entail. I remember horrible experiences, I remember moving in the middle of the night, or even moving across the street. I remember hearing my mother discuss moving with her friends over the phone but never really told us much. We would  just start packing and that would be it.

We hardly ever had the proverbial "moving truck" park in front of our house. We would move ourselves in shopping carts, wagons and bags. I am sure this experience was very embarrassing for me as a young child, especially when we would move around the corner, or across the street, and the neighbors would see us. I remember as a young child admiring my friends who lived in the same house for years and years, even to this day, I find that amazing.

After having my own family, I did not want to have the same plight of having to move from one location to another, year after year after year. But the one thing that would put me in that situation was the choices I made, from the beginning and the consequences of them.

Did I make those choices because I knew I would face having to move again? Did I have an inner sense that these new locations would not last forever, but would eventually have me facing having to move again. One thing that I have come to realize is that sense of powerlessness. Especially when you are being evicted or when someone has so much control over your life they can determine where you live! How is it that we live on a planet, where someone can control where you live, how you live or even if you live??

I came to realize that my mother faced eviction, constantly. I began to see that she would have difficulties with her finances and would have to move, again and again. In fact, she actually became accustomed to it and its challenges. At age 54, she numbered having moved 55 times! That was mind boggling to me. How could anyone enjoy moving that often? To her it was another challenge, another opportunity to do something different, another means to an end. To me, it is total disruption of my "comfortable" way of life. Maybe it was a way that I had just gotten used to and didn't want it to change. Maybe I have come to resist change so much when it comes to moving that I literally get physically ill. It's true, I remember the dust, and how it would be so much that I would get sick. As a child I had asthmatic bronchitis, so that dust wasn't cool at all. To this day, I don't even dust. In later years I realized that those feelings around dust for me were shrouded in the dread of that old feeling of getting sick every time we moved.

Moving is such an uprooting of an old paradigm on so many levels. Causing changes on so many levels, from addresses, to schools, to bill payments, to friends and family, to losses and disputes… to a big over the top dramatic change in your existence.

No, you may not be completely happy where you are, but to have to uproot yourself and settle down somewhere else is not easy, especially in this culture where so many things have to be decided by forces outside of your jurisdictions.

So I walked back to my childhood and took a look at what I must have felt as a small child. And a very abused small child at that. It always seemed to me from my perspective that my mother really didn't care about how we felt. I didn't get the feeling that she cared about how we would adjust to the different schools, neighborhoods and surroundings. Maybe she did in her own way, and quite possibly by the time I was 15, we had at least been in the same neighborhood, and didn't have to change schools. Maybe some where, someone mentioned to her that it would be good to keep us in the same schools. Maybe not. I know I needed that. Maybe for me, it meant a sense of stability. I was always being teased and the prospect of going to another school and being teased by another bunch of strangers didn't seem too happy for me. Maybe I was so much in my head and so busy trying to survive and also holding it down for my younger siblings that I just kept going.



It hit me here recently, that that feeling of powerlessness is all pervasive. You are powerless when someone threatens to evict you. Your life and your destiny almost seems to shift gears and now your life is in the hands of someone else. I think that was key for me during this time of self exploration. I walked back past the times in my own adult life, when I had to move. That first edict came from my mother's husband. He said, "You are upsetting your mother too much with your decision to join the Nation of Islam. She is having a really hard time adjusting to this and really does not want you in the same house with her while you go through this. So, I am asking you to leave as soon as possible."

I am at this point in my life 19 years old, about to enter my third year of college. I was being transformed by the teachings I was receiving at Muhammad's Mosque #12C and by an old friend (whom my mother despised) who had just returned from prison. It is now the end of the summer and I am on my way back to school, and I am being told that I cannot return there. Didn't seem to concern them that I had no where else to go, as a college student in Scranton, PA, I was living on campus.. But it was said, do what you gotta do, just keep it moving.. I went back there and told him, I forgive you, and then I told my mom, I forgive you too.

We do crazy stuff in our lives, I mean really crazy stuff. Both of them are deceased now. He died of melanoma cancer, and she, recently of heart failure. I can look at that again now, and just give that up, forgive them cause hating to move is a big part of that, and I need to be free.

So, after that semester at school, I return home and am living in the home of my fiancé's mother. She too was and still is an interesting character. At this age, I am not cognizant, I am simply making choices. Living with her came with a whole other set of dramatic interludes that eventually ended up in another eviction. We were not exactly living the lifestyle she approved of either. I was staying in his tiny bedroom, we were Muslims living in sin!! The mosque forced us to get married under the threat of being kicked out, so his proposal was, "Let's get married then." Woow, I forgive you too Eric, what did we know then at 20 and 23 years of age?? Heck, we knew everything. So we moved out, into a tiny apartment, and I was thrust into the role of homemaker. WTH? As I look back, I can see the welling anxiety. Moving, again, and now because someone else said you had to. I am now pregnant, didn't know it, got married, and moved into a tiny apartment.

The marriage was tumultuous, to say the least. My first son is born. When he was merely 6 weeks old, I am running down the street in my pajamas, from my husband who had just threatened to kill me and kill himself. Really!! I go to the phone both and call the Mosque who's question to me was, "what did you do??" As I am explaining the situation, I look up and there is my husband running down the street looking for me with my newborn in his arms. I quickly forget all about my own safety as any mother would and run towards my husband to get my baby. We return to our new apartment and I begin to plot my escape.

Since my Mother never liked him, she was more than willing to help. Under the cover of darkness, we grab as much as we can, stuff it into her van and drive off. She allows me to set up residence in her new husbands property, which she had been running a day care center out of. Glad to have me on board, but soon found it was unbearable, she could not adjust to me following the dictates of the NOI, instead of being her daughter, the daughter she controlled so easily before. Where did I get the notion that I could live my own life the way I wanted to? Day after day she would harass me about my lifestyle, my diet, my style of dress and various other confrontational and unbearable discourses. So, again, I quietly planned my escape. It seems, that when you are planning it, you feel more powerful, than when someone says, "Git the Hell Out of my house." But in essence, it is really the same, if someone it making so difficult for you to live in their house, aren't they telling you to get the hell out? I mean, seriously.


 So I got out, after 4 months, I was packed up and out. I did not tell my Mother where I was or even why I left, I just left. We did not speak again for a long time. My husband's Mother, had become totally terrified of her own son, who had commenced to threatening her and me. She was paralyzed to do anything, and felt so guilty about it all, but she was there for me to talk to about my journey and she was very concerned about her first grandson.

 Living with a Sisterfriend was great at first. In due time, even she became a bit agitated with me. She seemed to have some issues, mostly mental and some fears around my friendship with another Sisterfriend. Again another stealth removal of myself from another residence. Confrontations are not good for me. High anxiety and strong verbal congress is a bummer. I would rather write you a letter :)

My other Sisterfriend, found me an apartment. My husband is now roaming the streets with tales of his success in his business and what he had acquired as a result of it and how he was gonna get his family back, yadayadayada. It worked too, cause he got me back and he got me pregnant again. Within 7 months of the birth of my first, I am engaging with this father of my child and planning a renewal of our life together.

Maybe that is why my first Sisterfriend got so upset with me. Why would I do such a thing, go back to a man who had literally threatened to kill me, someone who care not about my safety or his, at least he acted that way. If you go through the whole process of reporting this abuse to the police, why are you back in his arms?? Good question, back in his arms because I needed security, and at that point I was not, I was alone with a child, a small child, no job and no place to live and living off public assistance. Who wouldn't make such a stupid decision as that? Sheeesh!!

I must admit, that it was a dumb thing to do, but it was all I had to do it with, little security and little hope and no support from the Mosque, I uprooted my life for. It was time anyway to get away from my controlling domineering paranoid fearful and overly anxious mother. But now the circumstances??? We lived in that second floor apartment for 2 months. That's right, 2 months, and off to jail he went, for murder! We never fought during that time, in fact, he was doing all he could to show me how wonderful he could be. Too funny, the many times men can re-invent themselves is phenomenal. Women should try it. Yep, back in jail and saying the entire time, he was innocent. Now, I am alone again, with a small child and a pregnancy. True story, you can't make this stuff up.    


 So now I am in the apartment, alone with my small son and another on the way. Too much of a familiar story. My Sisterfriend who is also a member of the NOI knows someone, a man, who is also a member, maybe we should meet, maybe we should get married, because Muslim women should get married and have a husband to protect them. Ha, ain't that nothing. Any man, just take any man, why, because he said he was Muslim, and therefore, that means he is a good man, doesn't it? That means he can do all them Muslimy things like take care of his family, pay the bills, put the trash out and live a righteous life, right?? Who knew, it takes more than a religion to make a man. But we got married, we moved again, and one more time. The last time was into our own home, our very own purchased off the block home. Haaa! When you are young and inexperienced, the vipers see you coming, they play on your ignorance and have you for dinner and then spit you out.

 The house was a wreck. Oh it look wonderful from the outside. Who knew?? We didn't. One thing after another began to break down. We are now two adults and three children and counting. In how long, oh about 2 years or so. We are not having happy wedded bliss by a long shot, and I want a divorce at 8 moths pregnant. I am superwoman and I can do this by myself. He left, he came back, we tried it again, it didn't work, he left again. I am 4 children later, but no more counting, this is it. NO MORE CHILDREN!! It was overwhelming, after a while, with no sizable help, I was facing eviction again. I had to move again. I forgive my second husband too. He didn't know any better either, tricked by the same society that tricked me, and dealing with the issue of being a broken man as I was a broken woman. We came out of severely dysfunctional households, we were trying to be good people, strong people, righteous people, but we just didn't know how. And how do you translate to being a parent???

It's December, 1985, my mother works for the Sherriff's office, she got him to give me a reprieve on the eviction to January, 1986. She had her own rental property, but alas, she would not offer that to me. It was bitter cold, I don't think that has been a colder winter day in Philadelphia since. We stepped out into the street after watching our belongings get packed into a big truck and sent off to the Storage Center. The children were very, very sad about all their toys, and while I was able to save 7 days of clothes for them, their books and a few other things in the house of a friend, they wanted their toys!!! Toys are so important to youngsters. You are thinking of survival while they are thinking about the next time they will be able to play.

We stayed in a shelter, overnight, one night, that's all, I could not bare it there. So I called my friend, a male friend, an intimate male friend, let me add, who did not offer to let me stay there, because, again, my lifestyle was not of his liking. I have since stopped practicing orthodox Islam and am now knee deep in African Traditional Spirituality. He is Buddhist, and while he was curious, he felt superior to me and my children and would not tolerate me or my children to live in his home with our false gods. Hmm, my false gods didn't dissuade him from partaking of my deliciousness but that's another long story. True though.

We stayed with him for 6 months and then we are off again, under the cover of darkness, avoiding confrontation, we leave and move into another harrowing situation that appeared on the surface to be legit, and ended up being a bit unsavory. Choices, we work them out, we come to decisions and then we do stuff.. We do stuff based on what??? Our inner sense of what we should do or desperation? I forgive that dude too. What the heck did he know about being a really good friend, a really good support person, a decent guy? He was just a Buddhist, and religion does not make you any of these things.    



 Ironically, after the initial distortions of living in this new home, with my family, another crisis arrived. This time the owner of the property, full of his own right to do so, put my four children out and put a pad lock on the door!! Why, because he had been found by the Housing Authority in response to my inquiry. I had not paid him any rent for 2 years, why? I couldn't find him. So out of concern that this may be another eviction situation, I investigated and found that they were looking for him too. He was in violation, he was not supposed to be renting the home according to the agreement he signed. The police undid the padlock and let us back in and intimated that my relationship with him must have been more than Landlord-Tenant. Why? Why would that even be a consideration I asked? Because of his anger??

We lived here another 4 years, and by the way, Mike, you are forgiven. We lived here rent free… why, cause Mike disappeared and couldn't be found. The woman working on the case went out on maternity leave, two times, get that, two times, meaning that she let that case fall through the cracks.

Eventually, the house began to deteriorate and fall apart. While I did not legally own the home, repairs that need to be made were my responsibility. On welfare, with a part-time job and 4 young children, those repairs barely got taken care of. Eventually, we were confronted with plumbing problems and it became clear, we had to move, again!!! We lived out of boxes for 6 months till I was able to find another home for my family.

 One day, we get a notice, our electricity had been illegally connected. "Do you wish to pay the back bill or do you wish we turn it off and begin it again in your name? You will still be responsible for all the Electricity you have received, even though you did not know it was illegally connected. You have 2 weeks to vacate the premises." This time was a little different, nevertheless, the moving drama persists.


I am working now, creating a niche for myself in a community counseling program. I am saving money and I am in the position to get another home for my family. The real estate lady, who felt really bad about her negligence in another situation, strongly pushed for the home I came to live in for 13 years. The longest stretch I have stayed anywhere. It seemed it would work out perfectly, but within two years of moving in, I am being evicted from the community program I headed up. The entire company is under investigation by the FBI and we have to get out of the building, they are gonna shut it down!!

The move from this facility had me comatose. I sat in the midst of it all as the movers packed and stored all the materials. I had a great friend at the time, who seemed to understand my inability to function, he took over the move out of the facility and the move of the materials, furniture, etc. into my home. A home I had only been in for about 18months and am again facing the very real possibility that I may have to vacate, again. I was able to pay the rent for several months after that, and then it became a little more challenging. Wow! I remained in an animated "now what" stage for several months, approximately two years. Then I got it together, I am gonna start my own business. I got enough skills.

I met a Psychologist, who was willing to work with me, and we began to rise up out of the ashes. Dr. McNeil.. I forgive you too, man.. You were older and I am sure you had your sites on higher ground just getting your feet wet here in this area, but it would have been nice to know that you were moving on. Abandonment. How many of us are faced with that prospect? We are abandoned and then we turn around and abandon others. What is that all about? Is it really karmic or the resolution of drama in a dramatic play of unresolved issues and extenuating circumstances.

Business got slower and slower, folks left, some volunteered, others went for another paying job, and the business held on by a tiny sliver. Within a few years, I am facing the situation of inconsistency with paying the rent. My landlord of that era was really, really ready to through me out, but he saw how I transformed his house into a business and having experienced his own ups and downs in business he was a little more tolerant. Tolerant only to the point of having me there, but he made no repairs. In essence we came to the mutual agreement, that I would need to vacate the premises. I started my search, contemplated communal living, decided to move out of Philly proper and found the home I am living in now. I forgive you too, Mr. Williams. He held on to me because his father and I had a wonderful rapport. Whenever I would go over and drop off the rent, we would sit for hours talking. His father got really ill after a unfortunate fall, and never recovered. He eventually passed on, and was shortly followed by his wife.

Everything changed around us, the neighborhood changed with the promise of it becoming a Mecca of development housing for any city developer, all preceding the housing bubble bust. Mr. Williams was feeling optimistic that he could sell the property. Maybe at some point, it's been 6.5 years and still no buyers.


I was hobbling around with a cane, after having an acute case of rheumatoid arthritis. I had to move again, I believe my subconscious mind, collapsed under the pressure and pushed that collapse to my knees. I could barely walk, and certainly could not move, hold, pick up or pack anything heavy. I had to call on the resources of friends and family to help me move this time.

I guess he liked my style when he agreed to let me live here. I am an older woman, no children and only a couple of cats. Surely I would not be a risk. And initially, I was not. Now my payment record looks a little shady, we have had two actual court meetings and now he is threatening another. Coincidentally, his name is Mike, and this is the same time of year as my eviction from the home I bought with my second husband. I know there is a lesson, a story, a drama, that I must face and work out as it relates to my housing situation and my ability to maintain myself financially in such a way that I can secure my housing. How do I do this, how do I begin?

Well, I forgive, all them folks who hurt me, or cause my housing situation to be insecure. Whether they realize it or not, they too were acting out of fear. The fear of being able to maintain and sustain themselves and their situation.

 I know that my present landlord is overcome with fear about the fact that this source of income will not be consistent. He needs it to take care of his responsibilities and he has every right to expect me to take care of mine. That I totally understand, what I am uncovering is the housing drama and the many nuances that come with that. What is the lesson for me, and why does this happen over and over again. I am writing this down to see if I can find the common thread. I have thought of it much and much more.

I have come to understand that forgiving others is very important, but forgiving yourself is even more important. So I am forgiving myself for my "choices" and the circumstances that followed that lead to other choices that may not have been exactly what I would have liked. On this path of self discovery and owning of the Divinity within, it is coming clear, that this "Moving Drama" is a part of this journey as well.

It seems that we are stuck in a relationship frequency around home and shelter security. It is set up on land that was stolen from the First peoples who were here, and it has been carved up and divided among the masses who are presently here for profit, pleasure and desecration of mother Earth.

While we may not directly participate in this we indirectly participate in that we are beneficiaries of this in some way. Each of us, having our personal drama, saddled with our community drama and our Nation's drama around real estate, buying up and dividing up Mother Earth as if she has not given the Earth to all, freely.

We also make more profits building upon her and selling our building projects to others for profit. Of course if you are not a great land developer but merely a person attempting to secure your family in this drama, you may become a landlord yourself, while being a leasee as well. The damage, hatred, fear and consternation is passed down to all the underlings who we all are in essence but whom we seem to feel more superior to or better than. That was the essence of the letter I wrote to Mike and his wife. We do not live in a world, where communities are designed by mutual aid and assistance to help other members of the community. We are all here, doing for our own immediate self and family and barely pay attention to the plight of another human being.

We walk over the homeless. In order to do that we have to desensitize our selves so as not to feel the pain of another's misfortune. So I forgive you as Mike. I know you are doing what you are forced to do. Surely you would do it differently, but you too are overwhelmed with your need to be secure in your own home. So the Ferris wheel goes around, we each take a turn getting on and getting off, but we are not free of it, until we decided to not get on.

 Today, I am identifying my own "housing drama." I have never faced it, resolved it or released it. It's an exercise in self empowerment and self determination. While I must admit that I do live on a planet that has been used to dominate others, I am getting closer to how that dominion effects me from various sources and how this oppression has played itself out in my own housing drama.

 I choose to claim myself and my dignity. That there is no situation that can reduce me to less than that unless I allow it. If I give myself over to fear, anxiety and defeat, then the housing drama, or any drama, will overtake me and render me defenseless. Knowing that I have made every positive effort within my given station of awareness to do my "fair share" within this housing drama, I am resolved of any guilt or ill feelings or misrepresentations. It is impossible to misrepresent a Divine Being experiencing itself in this corporal world.

My beingness is realized in all that I express. My Soul, in Divine Character is the Motivator and Sustainer of my Physical Body. Without it, this physical body would cease to exist. But while she is in the driver's seat of this Expression of the Divine, I am Faithfilled & Fearfree, I am Protected. There is a Divine Partnership going on Between My Soul & My Physical Body. As we travel these many life stories, these many life dramas, we come to know more and more about Divinity and how it Expresses itself in all manner of circumstances, in all manner of Being.



So, after several long talks with myself, I asked Soul to give me a sign. Let me know what my next step should be. Is it really time for me to move on? Am I in a better state of mind to do this? I asked that something wonderful happen, that day, each day. I commanded that something wonderful happen, before I rose from my bed. And it did!! I wondered what it would be, all the way to 3 O'clock in the morning. Then, while watching a YouTube video, a man talking in a monotone said, "Living in My Van." That hit me like a ton of bricks. I was just about to turn him off right before he said that. In those few seconds of listening more to him, the words came, loud and clear!!

 My heart raced, my mind raced, I went to bed to see if there was a dream to back this up. I could not sleep. I kept having visions of this place being empty of my things. While I attempted to see if I would be staying here, the flashes came, one after another, I was not. I was packing, things were gone from here and all I could think of was how that would happen and it occurred to me again, "Living In My Van." I could move to a trailer. Absolutely!!! I kept imagining how that could take place, I could see it, feel it, smell it, sense it. And of course the doubts would come in too. So I asked for a dream, a dream that would help me to see if this was my next move. And they did come, two nights in a row. I asked for signs throughout the day. I wanted to see a trailer home or RV while I was out. Haven't seen that yet, but did have two dreams that seem to be pointing me in that direction.

Somehow, I feel I have my power back! I feel excited about getting out of here. I feel vindicated. Did I learn my lesson, or have I just taken the ball out of his court and placed it in mine? Am I excited because I no longer feel victimized by this situation, or I feel more powerful than Mike, cause I am making my own choices? I wish him and his family well, and thank him for allowing me to stay here, under these circumstances, it has been difficult for us both. But this time, I will leave, with love and light in my heart, not pain and uncertainty. My many travels have brought me to this juncture. I embrace my life and my housing drama. I have learned from you. I look forward to being that turtle again, whose house was right on his back.    

Living on this planet, particularly in the industrialized world, we as, humans are faced with the issue of survival. It is challenged, given and taken by Overlords and Masters who feel they can determine how we survive. They can persuade us in any number of ways to give up our individual sovereignty and dangle fallacious opportunities to us, under the guise of showing us a "better way of life." In the position to easily take from us, they can create all manner of needs and fears. This insures they will never be without, or so it may seem. Pressing us into manifesting through our lower chakras we grapple with survival and wanting to be one of the "haves." We subject our children to their food, mentally, educationally, emotionally and spiritually; and replicate the illusion of one person's dominion over another. We become completely divorced from our soul center and waddle around looking for some one to save us. We become even more easily controlled as we hand our children over, day after day, to this system, this program, this survival drama. We have become powerless victims. If we were so powerless, there would be no battle for our power, our energy. When we regain our personal power, our personal sovereignty, we no longer need to fear them. They have become powerless to control us anymore. It is a journey, an uphill climb, but we must do it. Mother Earth and the Universe is watching and expecting us "Home" for dinner.    

The Eviction Drama can also be viewed here:

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield

The Celestine Prophecy
by James Redfield
Warner Books, 1993
Outlined by Laura Bryannan

First insight

  • A reconsideration of the inherent mystery that surrounds our individual lives on this planet.
  • We experience mysterious coincidences which show us that there is another side of life we have yet to discover--some other process operating behind the scenes.
  • A world transformation is taking place now because the number of individuals conscious of such coincidences is growing dramatically.
  • Once we reach a "critical mass" of such individuals, the culture will begin to take these coincidental experiences seriously, and we will wonder, in mass, what mysterious process underlies human life on this planet.

Second insight

  • History is not just the evolution of technology; it is the evolution of thought.
  • By understanding the reality of the people who came before us (what they felt and thought) we can see why we look at the world the way we do, and what our contribution is toward further progress. The world is about to identify a particular preoccupation that developed during the later half of this millennium (the Modern Age).
    1. The Middle Ages (1000 BCE): the reality of this time was defined by the Christian Church.
      • The world the church described as real is, above all, spiritual.
      • Life was defined as having one solitary purpose: to win or lose salvation.
      • Churchmen were there to interpret the scriptures and tell you whethe you are in accordance with God or Satan; if you followed their advice, you were assured a rewarding afterlife.
      • Every aspect of the Medieval world is defined in other-worldly terms.
      • All phenomena of life is defined either as the will of God or as the malice of the devil.
      • All people took for granted that the world operated solely by spiritual means.
    2. Fourteenth-Fifteenth centuries: the previous world view begins to fall apart.
      • Improprieties on the part of the churchmen cause rebellion; Martin Luther calls for a complete break from papal Christianity.
      • The men who defined reality for centuries lose their credibility.
      • The clear consensus about the nature of the universe and humankind's purpose here collapses.
      • Scientific discoveries proved that the realities about our world as maintained by the Church were incorrect: the Earth is not the center of the universe, for ex.
      • All ideas about the world taken for granted now need new definition, especially the nature of God and our relationship to God.
    3. Modern Age: a growing democratic spirit and a mass distrust of papal and royal authority.
      • Definitions of the universe based on speculation or scriptural faith are no longer automatically accepted.
      • To avoid some new group stepping in to control reality as the churchmen did, a method of consensus-building (the scientific method: testing an idea about how the universe works, arriving afterward at some conclusion, and then offering this conclusion to others to see if they agree) was developed.
      • Explorers were sent out to the world, armed with the scientific method, to find out how it works and what it means that we find ourselves alive here.
      • We sent these explorers out to bring back a complete explanation of our existence, but because of the complexity of the universe they weren't able to return right away.
  • When the scientific method couldn't bring back a new picture of God and of mankind's purpose on the planet, the lack of certainty and meaning affected Western culture deeply.
    1. We needed something else to do until our questions were answered.
    2. We shook off our feeling of being lost by taking matters into our own hands, by focusing on conquering the Earth and using its resources to better our situation.
    3. This focus became a preoccupation. We lost ourselves in creating a secular society, and economic security, to replace the spiritual one we lost.
    4. The question of why we were alive, of what was going on here spiritually, was slowly pushed aside and repressed altogether.
    5. We've forgotten that we still don't know what we're surviving for.
  • It is time now to wake up from this preoccupation and reconsider our original question: What's behind life on this planet? Why are we really here?

Third insight

  • A new understanding of the physical world: humans will learn to perceive what was formerly an invisible type of energy.
  • The basic stuff of the universe, at its core, is a kind of pure energy that is malleable to human intention and expectation in a way that defies our old mechanistic model of the universe--as though our expectation itself causes our energy to flow out into the world and affect other energy systems.
  • Human perception of this energy first begins with a heightened sensitivity to beauty.
    1. The perception of beauty is a kind of barometer telling each of us how close we are to actually perceiving the energy.
    2. When something strikes us as beautiful, it displays more presence and sharpness of shape and vividness of color. It stands out. It shines. It seems almost iridescent compared to the dullness of other objects less attractive.
    3. The next level of perception is to see an energy field hovering about everything.
  • Plants which have the most direct conscious human attention are more potent and grow faster than plants which do not get conscious attention.
    1. Plants grown in this way, when ingested, increase the body's efficiency dramatically.
  • Two periods of the day most conducive to seeing energy fields: sunrise and sunset. How to begin:
    1. Touch the tips of index fingers together, with blue sky in background.
    2. Separate the tips about an inch and look at the area directly between them.
    3. Take eyes out of focus a bit and move the tips closer, then apart.
  • Once humans learn to observe energy fields, our understanding of the physical universe will quickly transform.
  • We would become conscious that certain localities radiate more energy than others, the highest radiation coming from old natural environments, especially forests

Fourth insight

  • Eventually humans will see the universe as comprised of one dynamic energy, an energy that can sustain us and respond to our expectations.
    1. We have been disconnected from the larger source of this energy; we have cut ourselves off and so have felt weak, insecure and lacking.
    2. In the face of this deficit, humans have always sought to increase our personal energy in the only manner we have known: by seeking to psychologically steal it from others--an unconscious competition that underlies all human conflict in the world.
  • When a person engages another in a conversation, one of two things can happen: that person can come away feeling stronger or weaker.
    1. We prepare ourselves to say whatever we must in order to prevail in the conversation.
    2. Each of us seeks to find some way to control and thus remain on top in the encounter.
    3. If we are successful, if our viewpoint prevails, then rather than feel weak, we receive a psychological boost.
  • When we control another human being we receive their energy. We fill up at the other's expense and the filling up is what motivates us. Most people are in a constant hunt for someone else's energy.

    Fifth insight

    • Humans must learn to gain energy from the universal source, not other humans.
      1. Food is the first way of gaining energy, but in order to totally absorb energy in food, the food must be appreciated, savored.
      2. Taste is the doorway; you must appreciate taste; this is the reason for prayer before eating--to make eating a holy experience--so the energy from the food can enter your body.
      3. After personal energy is increased through conscious eating, you become more sensitive to energy in all things, and then you learn to take this energy into yourself without eating.
      4. To be open to universal energy, you have to connect--to use your sense of appreciation, as in seeing auras--but you take this one step further so that you get the sensation of being filled up.
      5. When you successfully appreciate something, you allow the love that underlies all to enter you.
      6. When you appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of things you receive energy. When you get to a level where you feel love, then you can send the energy back just by willing it so.
    • Even though an alternative source of energy exists, we really can't stay connected with it until we come to grips with the particular method that we, as individuals, use in our controlling, and stop doing it--because whenever we fall back into this habit, we get disconnected from the source.
      1. This habit is always unconscious at first; the key to letting it go is to bring it fully into consciousness.
      2. This is done by seeing that our particular style of controlling others is one we learned in childhood to get attention, to get the energy moving our way.
      3. Our parents and siblings operated in a drama themselves, trying to pull energy out of us as children. We had to have a strategy to win energy back.
      4. This style is something we repeat over and over again. It's called our unconscious control drama.
      5. Each person must reinterpret their family experience from a spiritual point of view, and discover who they really are. Once we do this, we can go past these control dramas and see what is really happening.
    • General control drama styles. Everyone manipulates for energy either aggressively--directly forcing people to pay attention to them, or passively--playing on people's sympathy or curiosity to gain attention.
      1. Aloof: in order to get energy coming your way, you withdraw and look mysterious and secretive. You hope that someone will be pulled into this drama and try to figure out what's going on with you. When someone does, you remain vague, forcing them to struggle, dig and try to discern your true feelings. As they do so, they give you their full attention and that sends their energy to you. The longer you can keep them interested and mystified, the more energy you receive.
      2. Interrogator: sets up a drama of asking questions and probing into another person's world with the specific purpose of finding something wrong. Once they do, they criticize this aspect of the other's life. If this strategy succeeds, the person being criticized is pulled into the drama. They find themselves becoming self-conscious around the interrogator and paying attention to what the interrogator is doing and thinking about, so as not to do something wrong the the interrogator would notice. This psychic deference gives the interrogator the energy he desires. Interrogators pull you off your own path and drain your energy because you judge yourself by what they might be thinking.
      3. Intimidator: someone who threatens you, either verbally or physically. You are forced, for fear of something bad happening to you, to pay attention to them and so to give him energy. This is the most aggressive kind of drama.
      4. Poor Me: someone who tells you all the horrible things that are already happening to them, implying perhaps that you are responsible, and that, if you refuse to help, these horrible things are going to continue. Someone who makes you feel guilty when you're in their presence, even though you know there is no reason to feel that way. Everything they say and do puts you in a place where you have to defend against the idea the you're not doing enough for them.
    • People use more than one drama in different circumstances, but most of us have one dominant control drama that we tend to repeat, depending on which one worked well of the members of our early family. A person goes to whatever extreme necessary to get attention energy in their family.
      1. Interrogator parents tend to create aloof children. When someone continually asks you questions, only to find something wrong with your answers, you must get vague and distant, to try to say things that will get their attention, but not reveal enough to give them something to criticize.
      2. Intimidators tend to create poor me children (or another intimidator). If someone is draining your energy by threatening you with physical, mental or emotional violence, being aloof doesn't work; you can't get them to give you energy by playing coy; you are forced to become more passive, and guilt-trip them about the harm they are doing. If this doesn't work, then, as a child you endure until you are big enough to explode against the violence and fight aggression with aggression.
      3. Aloof parents tend to create interrogator children. If you were a child and your family members were either not there or ignored you, playing aloof would not get their attention. You would have to resort to probing and prying and finally finding something wrong in these aloof people in order to force attention and energy.
    • To find your true self you must go back to your family experience and review what happened. Once we become conscious of our control drama, we can focus on the higher truth of our family that lies beyond the energy conflict. Once we find this truth, it will tell us who we are, the path we are on, what we are doing.
      1. Look past the energy competition that existed in your family and search for the real reason you were there.
      2. Ask yourself the question, "Why was I born to this particular family? What might have been the purpose for that?"
      3. Ask yourself what each of your parents stood for. Each parent will try to claim your allegiance to their particular point of view. Every human being, whether they are conscious of it or not, illustrates with their lives how he or she thinks a human being is supposed to live.
      4. Each of us must try to discover what our parents taught us about this and, at the same time, what about their lives could have been done better.
      5. What you would have changed about your parents is part of what you are working on.
      6. Every person begins their spiritual life in a position between their parent's truths. That's why you were born there: to take a higher perspective on what they stood for. Your path is about discovering a truth that is a higher synthesis of what these two people believed.
      7. If you look closely at all the things that have happened to you since birth, if you view your life as one story, you'll be able to see how you have been working on this question all along.

    Sixth insight

    • Getting clear of our family control drama opens the way for us attune to our particular mission in this life.
      1. Each of us must look at the significant turns in our lives and reinterpret them in light of our evolutionary question.
      2. Try to perceive the sequence of interests, important friends, coincidences that have occurred in your life. Where were they leading you?
      3. We must all spend as much time as necessary doing this process of clearing our pasts. Once we transcend our family control drama, we can comprehend the higher meaning of why we were born our particular parents, and what all the twists and turns of our lives were preparing us to do.
    • We all have a spiritual purpose, a mission, that we have been pursuing without being fully aware of it. Once we bring it completely into consciousness, our lives can take off.
    • The truth we pursue on our particular spiritual mission is as important as the evolution of the universe itself, for it enables evolution to continue.
      1. Humans are born into their historical situations and find something to stand for. They form a union with another human being who also has found some purpose.
      2. The children born to this union then reconcile these two positions by pursuing a higher synthesis, guided by coincidences.
      3. Each time we fill up with energy and a coincidence occurs to lead us forward in our lives, we institute this level of energy in ourselves, and so we can exist at a higher vibration.
      4. Our children take our level of vibration and raise it even higher. This is how we, as humans, continue evolution.
    • The current generation is ready to do this consciously and accelerate the process. No matter how scary, there is no longer any choice in this matter. Once you learn what life is about, there is no way to erase the knowledge. If you try to do something else with your life, you will always sense that you are missing something.
    • How to help this process of maintaining one's path:
      1. Insure that your energy level is high by focusing on the unique beauty and shape of everything, especially nature.
      2. Try to experience a feeling of closeness, the feeling that no matter how far away something is, you can touch it, connect with it.
      3. Breathe in this energy by taking deep conscious breaths, holding each about five seconds before exhaling.
      4. Visualize that each breath pulls energy into us and fills us like a balloon; experience becoming lighter and more buoyant.
      5. After you breathe in the energy, check your emotions. Do you feel love? This is the true measure of whether you are really connected. Love is not an intellectual concept or moral imperative. It is a background emotion that exists when one is connected to the energy available in the universe.
      6. Once you are connected with the energy, examine your thoughts.
        • The words you habitually will through your head in an attempt to logically control events stop when you give up your control drama.
        • As you fill up with inner energy, other kinds of thoughts enter your mind from a higher part of yourself. These are intuitions. They appear in the back of your mind, sometimes in a kind of daydream or mini-vision.
      7. When you have acquired enough energy, you are ready to consciously engage evolution, to produce the coincidences that will lead you forward.
        • Remember your basic life question--the one your parents gave you--because this question provides the overall context for your evolution.
        • Next you center yourself on your path by discovering the immediate, smaller questions that currently confront your life.
        • These questions always pertain to your larger question and define where you currently are in your lifelong quest.
        • Once you become conscious of the questions active in the moment, you always get some kind of intuitive direction of what to do, of where to go.
        • The only time this will not occur is when you have the wrong question in mind. The problem in life isn't in receiving answers. The problem is in identifying your current questions. Once you get the questions right, the answers always come.
        • After you get an intuition of what might happen next, the next step is to become very alert and watchful. Sooner or later coincidences will occur to move you in the direction indicated by the intuition.
    • Always remember to stop as often as necessary to reconnect your energy. Stay full, stay in a state of love. Once you achieve this state of love, nothing nor anyone can pull more energy from you than you can replace. But you must stay conscious of this process in order for it to work. This is especially important when you interact with people.

    Seventh insight

    • Certain objects will jump out at us; our thoughts, dreams and daydreams often come to us as guidance.
      1. Dreams can be interpreted by comparing the story of the dream to the story of your life. Bad dreams have the most important messages.
      2. Daydreams show us a scene, a happening, and this is an indication that this event might happen. If we pay attention we can be ready for this turn in our lives.
    • We have many more of these kind of thoughts than we realize. To recognize them we must take an observer position. When a thought comes, we must ask why. Why did this particular thought come now? How does it relate to my life questions? Taking this observer position helps us release our need to control everything. It places us in the flow of evolution.
    • Fear images should be halted as soon as they come. Then another image, one with a good outcome, should be willed through the mind. Soon, negative images will almost never happen; your intuitions will be about positive things.
      1. When negative images come after that, they should be taken very seriously and not followed.
      2. Example: If the idea comes to you that you're going to have a wreck in a truck and someone comes along and offers you a ride in a truck, do not accept it.
    • Build your energy and center yourself in your situation, in the questions you have; you will then receive some form of intuitive guidance, an idea of where to go or what to do, and then coincidences occur to allow us to move in that direction. Each time these coincidences lead us into something new, we grow, we become fuller persons, existing at a higher vibration.
    • We must assume that every event has significance and contains a message that somehow pertains to our questions. This especially applies to what we call bad things. The challenge is to find the silver lining in every event, no matter how negative.

    Eighth insight

    • All the answers that mysteriously come to us really come from other people.
      1. Not all the people you meet will have the energy or the clarity to reveal the message they have for you.
      2. You must help them by sending them energy; consciously projecting energy into a person helps them see their truth. They can then give this truth to you.
    • We must honer this interpersonal ethic and treat others in such a way that more messages are shared. This insight is about using energy in a new way when relating to people in general, but it begins with children.
      1. Children need energy on a continual basis, unconditionally.
      2. The worst thing that can be done to children is to drain their energy while correcting them. This is what creates control dramas.
      3. These learned manipulations can be avoided if the adults give them all the energy they need no matter what the situation.
      4. Children should always be included in conversations, especially about them.
      5. Adults should never take responsibility for more children than they can give attention to.
        • Any one adult can only focus on and give attention to one child at a time.
        • If there are too many children for the number of adults, then the adults become overwhelmed and unable to give enough energy.
        • In this situation, children will begin to compete with each other for the adult's energy and time.
        • Adults often glamorize the idea of large families and children growing up together, but children should learn the world from adults, not from other children. In too many cultures, children are running in gangs.
        • We should not bring children into the world unless there is at least one adult committed to focus full attention, all of the time, on each child.
        • All the energy does not have to come from the parents alone; in fact, it is better if it does not. But whoever cares for the children must provide this one on one attention.
      6. Give children energy and always tell them the truth of every situation in language they can understand. Much damage is done when adults create distortions on the spot because they want to have a little fun, or because they believe the truth is too complicated for a child to comprehend.
      7. When children experience continuous sincere attention, they will assume they will continue to have enough. This makes the transition from receiving energy from adults to getting it from the universe much easier for them to grasp.
  • When one first learns to be clear and to engage one's evolution, any of us can be stopped, suddenly, by an addiction to another person.
    1. When love first happens, the two people are giving each other energy unconsciously and both people feel buoyant and elated: "in love."
    2. Once they expect this feeling to come from the other person, they cut themselves off from the energy in the universe and begin to rely even more on the energy from each other--only now there doesn't seem to be enough.
    3. They will then stop giving each other energy and fall back into their dramas in anvattempt to control each other and force the other's energy their way. At this point the relationship degenerates into the usual power struggle.
    4. Because of the energy competition in families, most of us were unable to complete an important psychological process: integrating our opposite sexual side. We become addicted to someone of the opposite sex in able to access this energy.
    5. The energy of the universe we can tap is both male and female. We can eventually open up to it, but the process takes time. If we connect prematurelyvwith a human source for our female or male energy, we block the universal supply.
    6. Example: We are walking around "incomplete" like the letter C. We are susceptible to a person of the opposite sex who can complete the circle, giving us a burst of euphoria and energy that feels like wholeness that a full connection to the universe produces, a letter O.
      • The problem with this completed person, this O, that both partners think they have reached, is that it has taken two people to make this one whole person.
      • This one whole person consequently has two heads, or egos. Both partners want to run this whole person they have created.
      • Both partners what to command the other, as if the other were themselves. This kind of illusion of completeness always breaks down into a power struggle.
      • In the end, each person must take the other for granted or invalidate them so they can lead this whole self in the direction they want to go.
    7. We must first stabilize our channel with the universe. After we do this we will attract a higher relationship, one that will not pull us from the path of our individual evolution.
  • Resisting "love at first sight" feelings is a good way to avoid this kind of entrapment. Learn to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex.
    1. Have these relationships only with people who will reveal themselves totally, telling you how and why they are doing what they are doing--just as what might have happened with the opposite-sex parent during an ideal childhood.
    2. By understanding who these opposite-sexed friends really are on the inside, one breaks past one's own fantasy projection about that gender, and that releases us to connect again with the universe.
    3. This is not easy, especially if one must break away from a current co-dependent relationship. We are all co-dependent in some way.
    4. The idea is to begin to experience that sense of well-being and euphoria experienced in the first moment of a co-dependent relationship when you are alone. You must get him or her in the inside.
    5. After that, you evolve forward and can find that special romantic relationship that really fits you.
  • How we approach other people determines how quickly we evolve, how quickly our life questions are answered.
    1. How open are you to the messages other people may have for you?
    2. Whenever people cross our paths, there is always a message for us. Chance encounters do not exist. How we respond to these encounters determines whether we're able to receive the message.
    3. If we have a conversation with someone who crosses our path and we do not see a message pertaining to our current questions, it does not mean there was nomessage, it only means we missed it for some reason.
    4. We should stop what we're doing, no matter what, and find out the message we have for that person, and that he person has for us.
    5. Once we grasp this reality, our interactions will slow down and become more purposeful and deliberate.
    6. When you encounter a group of people--too many to engage with all individually--how do you know who has the messages you need? Look for signs:
      • Sudden, spontaneous eye contact is a sign that two people should talk.
      • A sense of recognition, someone who looks familiar, even though you know you've never seen the person before.
      • A person that seems "highlighted."
  • When we appreciate the shape and demeanor of a person--really focus on them until their shape and features being to stand out and have more presence--we can then send them energy, lifting them up.
    1. The more we appreciate their wholeness, their inner beauty, the more the energy flows into them and, naturally, the more that flows into us.
    2. The more we can love and appreciate others, the more energy flows into us.
    3. When you give someone more energy than they would have otherwise, you can see your truth and more readily give it to them. When you do that, they will have a sense of revelation about what you're saying. This will lead them to see your higher self even more fully and so appreciate it on an even deeper level, which amps up the cycle even more.
    4. Two or more people consciously doing this together can reach incredible highs as they build one another up and have it immediately returned.
  • Consciously interacting in a group:
    1. As the members of a group talk, only one will have the most powerful idea at any one point in time.
    2. If they are alert, the others in the group can feel who is about to speak, and then they can consciously focus their energy on this person, helping to bring out their idea with the greatest clarity.
    3. Then, as the conversation proceeds, someone else will have the most powerful idea, then someone else, etc.
    4. If you concentrate on what is being said, you can feel when it is your turn; the idea will come up into your mind.
    5. The key is to speak up when it is your turn and to project energy when it is someone else's turn.
    6. Some people get inflated when in a group: they feel the power of an idea and express it, then because the energy feels so good, they keep on talking, long after the energy should have shifted to someone else.
    7. Others are pulled back and won't risk expressing an idea, even when they feel the power of it. When this happens, the group fragments and the members don't get the benefit of all the messages. The same thing happens when some members of the group are not accepted by some of the others.
      • When we dislike someone, or feel threatened by someone, we tend to focus on something we dislike about the person.
      • When we do this, instead of seeing the deeper beauty of the person and giving them energy, we take energy away and actually do them harm.
      • Humans are aging each other at a tremendous rate with these kinds of violent competitions.
  • What if the person we are speaking with is operating in a control drama and trying to pull us into it?
    1. If you do not assume the matching drama, the person's own drama will fall apart.
    2. Each drama needs a matching drama to be fully played out. Example: an intimidator needs either a poor me or another intimidator.
    3. Naming the drama the other person is playing will usually dissipate it.
      • Control dramas are covert strategies to get energy.
      • Covert manipulations for energy can't exist if you bring them to consciousness by pointing them out. They cease to be covert.
      • After that, the person has to be more real and honest.

    Ninth insight

    • How will human culture change in the next millennium as a result of conscious evolution?
      1. Lost of rainbows and unicorn stuff I didn't feel like copying!
      2. Our destiny is to continue to increase our energy level. As our energy level increases, the level of vibration in the atoms of our bodies increases.
      3. We will get lighter, more purely spiritual.
      4. Whole groups of people, once they reach a certain level, will suddenly become invisible to those who are still vibrating at a lower level. It will appear to the people on this lower level that the others just disappeared, but the groupthemselves will feel as though they are still right here--only they will feel lighter. When humans begin to raise their vibrations to a level where others cannot see them, it will signal that we are crossing the barrier between this life and the other world from which we came and to which we go after death.
      5. This conscious crossing over is the path shown by the Christ. At some point, everyone will vibrate highly enough so that we can walk into heaven, in our same form.
      6. Vanished civilizations, such as the Mayans, accomplished this transfiguration.

    Tenth insight..........

    Go to Laura's Home Page

    Last Updated: 1 feb 99
    Laura Bryannan